Long Nights
2004-06-29@3:59 AM
Wow... last night was a really long night for me. I really went through alot.. but I didnt cry. I dont know why, but I did not break down.. I expected to.. but apparently, I was more solid than that. Maybe that isnt a good thing.. Philip did tell me that if I held in my emotions, I may become too calous and hard. I dont want to end up like that.. but I had to block emotions last night.. or else I'd have been drowning in a sea of confusion.
I know this first paragraph may seem confusing to those of you who dont know what happened last night, but I solidly said "enough is enough" to Breezi. I cant love her anymore, not the way I used to.
It's such a large, confusing situation.. but the basic thing of it is, she went to her Ex-boyfriends house twice in a row, two consecuitive days, after her mom's wedding. She then talks to me all day on monday about how awesome a time she had at Cameron's house, her ex-boyfriend.. while we had a date planned the next day, Tuesday.
When it fell onto my ears that she was going to Cameron's house twice in a row, I knew what would happen. No way in hell would her mom let her come on tuesday. I was just surprised that she didnt see that and was waiting to see if she really indeed was going to go on monday night. She did.. and that night, when I asked if she would be comming.. the answer was, as I had thought, a no. Her mom didnt let.
I got mad.. I dont do that often. I got tired of chasing after her.. tired of trying to get her to love me back with the same strength I loved her. Tempers flared and we both probably said too much. But, I really spoke my mind.. especailly after hearing the relationship history through her eyes.
Now that is something I've always wanted to hear. All this time, I'd been confused as to what exactly was going through her mind. Now, at the end looking back, I know. I learned a few things... but I really had to put my foot down and move on. She's the last person I had to let go of in order to move on to natchitoches.
With that said, I let go completely. I am tired of organizing things and dates then waiting for her no tto show up, whether she has any control over it or not. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being used, whether she really is using my feelings and leading me on or not. I'm tired of being told that I am "the reason", be it a lie or not.
As for friendship.. that's a tough one. I hold her close as a person.. I dont divide anyone into easily fit templates such as "friend". I only base my relationships on the closeness I have to a person... and right now, I've felt so pushed away and unconsidered that I just need time to think. She's not someone I want to lose.. as a person, be it friend or lover. But the ball is in her field now.. if she really feels anything for me, she's going to have to show some sort of motivation.
So there is the test... and now, I need to go.
<
The Path Ends Here - 2004-07-03
Another Path - 2004-06-30
Long Nights - 2004-06-29
Moving on? - 2004-06-26
Two Step - 2004-06-26